Tag: Anxiety

Changing the Storyline of Your Life for Better Living

Audra Edmonson3 Comments

Change the storyline of your life to live a better story.

I heard this idea in my meditation practice. We go through life telling ourselves stories about who we are, what we do, and how we live. I imagine they call it a story because even though there is a reality and therefore a truth to it, there’s no way we can know the whole truth of ourselves, others, or any situation. There are always going to be factors that remain unknown.

So, then, we create a story. I am a victim. I am powerful. I am no good. I am destined for failure. No one likes me. Everyone likes me. The story can be good or bad, but mostly, we’re talking about the bad stories of our lives. Those are the ones we want to change.

For me, I had one story about myself for most of my life; I lived thinking I was in control, cool, intelligent, put together, sensible, and fun. Back when I first started having stress-related health issues, they didn’t fit my story. (I also tested as an INTJ back then, and false or otherwise, it definitely colored my perception of myself.) I didn’t let anyone know I was having stress issues or that I was depressed because I didn’t see myself as a person that happened to. The story went that depressed people weren’t trying hard enough, didn’t read books showing them how to have a better mindset, and wanted attention.

I was lucky to get better at all with all that crap in my head. Well, better-ish, since the whole thing happened again a few months ago. This time (over several years) my story had changed. I had slowly come around to accepting myself as an INFJ, an HSP, a multipotentialite, and more creative and dreamy than hardass and intellectual. I was sensitive, and now my sensitivity had taken a blow. But I still thought it was on me. I still thought I hadn’t done something right or I hadn’t taken good enough care of myself. That’s probably true, but it put me in the mindset of victimization. All these external factors had contributed to my fall. It was the school’s fault, it was my friend’s fault, it was my doctor’s fault, it was God’s fault, it was my fault, etc.

Who cares? It doesn’t matter how it happened. It happened, so what am I going to do about it? Thinking about where the blame falls is not only toxic in that it’s automatically negative, but it also keeps the focus on the problem, instead of on the possible solutions.

One foot in front of the other. I can’t see three feet ahead, just the next step, so move there. And then there. And then there. Forward, forward…

The above is a kind of mantra I go through when I’m terrified of what’s next. I don’t know where to go. I knew in college, I had a general idea in Korea, but now…there is nothing ahead of me. It’s a fog, and I can only put one foot ahead. Go to the doctor. See a psychiatrist. Eat better. Exercise to keep me healthy. Get my mind healthy. Find positive friends who support and challenge me. Find a healthy church group. Find a writing group.

The story is changing around me, but I’m not a useless bystander. I can direct it.

Instead of I am a sick person –> I am a recovering person.

Instead of I am not in control of my life –> I can make decisions that influence my life.

Instead of I must be successful/financially stable –> I can determine what is enough for my life.

Instead of I have to be a published author to be worthy –> I am enough.

Instead of I am a burden when I’m sick –> I am worthy of being helped.

Instead of I am someone with a depressing past/history of abuse –> I am able to be better/I can share my story to help others.

You can see how valuable this is. It’s not just positive thinking. It’s changing how you view your entire self in terms of your life. Really, this is best for getting over a mindset of helplessness. Too many people who are victims of abuse, depression, chronic illness, or other really and truly debilitating problems let themselves lose control over their lives and continue to live out the story of their problem. I’m one of them, so I would know.

But I also know that it’s not the only truth. As many people I know who are this way, there are so many stories of people who have overcome awful situations with hope and determination and totally changed their own storylines.

Some of the most well-known examples; Viktor Frankl, Martina Stawski, Nick Vujicic, and Joni Tada.

Change the story of you in your head, and you can change your life.*

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*I want to be clear – if you do have depression, anxiety, or have suffered trauma or abuse, positive thinking and this sort of advice will only do so much. I always encourage you to see a doctor or psychiatrist first. They are trained professionals. The sort of advice I give on this blog is more general. 🙂

 

BuildALadder Movement

Audra Edmonson2 Comments

I was first introduced to the BuildALadder idea by Martina Stawski of EatYourKimchi, a great Youtube channel about life in Korea and Japan. Martina has EDS, an invisible illness that affects her daily.

(WARNING: The following videos are really sad, so if you’re not up for it, I recommend watching them another time.)

Her video confession helped me to write my own confession on Instagram and later here. It’s hard to do.

Mental health issues are invisible. And for those of us dealing with invisible issues, it’s hard to feel justified taking care of ourselves or asking for help.

This second video shows exactly how Martina gets through a really bad day by building rungs on her ladder. It’s a difficult video to watch, but it’s also really encouraging for people who are dealing with depression or pain.

Building a ladder means celebrating small victories. It means being positive when you’re in pain. It means knowing that you can make your life better, even if you don’t get better. It means not waiting to feel good to be happy or do what you want. I don’t have a chronic illness like Martina, but I have struggled my whole life with stress, anxiety, and depression, which have often led to serious health problems, and both in times of pain and in times of good health it’s important to build those ladders.

For me, I like to think of it like a literal ladder, visualizing each rung as I reach for it, grip it, and pull myself up. Each thing I accomplish or notice is a rung to help me up. Sometimes I slip, and I need a booster to get me going again. But I build another ladder.

That’s what the movement is about. It’s hugely important to me, and I love that so many people have embraced it. Check out the articles at the end for other people who have been helped by Martina’s movement.

How I Build My Ladder

  • Note accomplishments; doing my daily habits another day, completing a project, asking for help.
  • Find something beautiful; a flower, something I made, a good meal, a heartfelt laugh.
  • Practice real self-care; invest in my mental health, keep boundaries, know what my body and mind are telling me.

Ladders So Far

  • Got my hair dyed, and it ROCKS.
  • Made a paper dragon mask, and it ROCKS.
  • Started another dragon project because DRAGONS.
  • Started blogging again.
  • Started yoga.
  • Meditation streak 100+ days.
  • Wrote 10 new poems.
  • Got health care.
  • Scheduled my first doctor visit.
  • Went to the library and went to town on books.
  • Bought a yellow teapot for all my loose leaf tea.
  • Organized my office/crafting room for full creative expression.
  • Played with two cats at two friends’ houses.
  • Did a ten-day detox.
  • Played D&D.

Some of these were pretty easy, and some were very hard. There are still days where the thought of leaving the house or seeing people sends me into a downward spiral of anxiety and panic, but doing the little things, even if I do stay at home, helps build the ladder. As Martina said, it helps to shine the light outwards, not in. Don’t focus on the inward awfulness, focus on what’s around you and what you can do. Using my yellow teapot makes me happy because it’s a yellow teapot in my room.

Making paper masks makes me happy because I’m using my hands and creating something awesome.

Each rung, no matter how small, is a small step forward.

For those of you struggling, I hope this will help. I hope we will continue to build ladders.

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Tags on Social Media:

#BuildALadder – Instagram

#BuildALadder – Twitter

Articles About the Movement:

The Vlogging Cure

Literally Darling

 

 

a poem: small blue half-oval

Audra EdmonsonLeave a comment

Small blue half-oval
Here I am now
On medication
For the first time
I feel like I’ve crossed a line
between the normals
And the ones who need
Medication
To live in this world
How sad
That we can’t just live
But need to trick our brains
Into thinking we CAN live
When we CAN’T
Live just ourselves
Too sad to think of
Where did the world go wrong
When it invented medication
Or the maladies before
Chicken or egg
The small blue pill
But only half at night
It sits on my bedside table
A small blue robin’s egg
A small blue judgment
Sitting next to me
So I can sleep
And not dream of knives
And guilt and shame
Then the small white ovals
Each morning
To keep my heart from
Thinking I am always
Dying
When really I’m just
Scared

-a.e

a poem: a loss and freedom

Audra EdmonsonLeave a comment

I’m terrified of marriage
Strange for a woman to be
In this day and age
Although not really but
The stereotype dies roughly
So here I am
Not quite that stereotype
Not quite that other
Just in between
Really scared
Scared to lose myself
I lose myself a lot
On shabby streets
In between meetings in the hallways
In conversations where I nod a lot and
Smile
Too hard
In between the sheets
I lose myself
So marriage will only
Exacerbate
That. I will lose myself to another
Person
I guess people who love don’t mind
Giving up themselves
Don’t mind losing that bit of their identity
Indeed give it as a gift and receive in return
But I have never seen another person
Being
Man or
Woman
Or tree
Or bird
Or animate kind
Whom I would willingly trade the bit of me for
That bit of me is all I have
That small pocket
Blue and ragged
I can’t give it up.
And who are you to ask it of me?
Not yet, not yet
Cries the not-yet bird
Until you meet the one
The one
Cries the-one bird
I imagine them in cages
But maybe the bars are blocking me in
Maybe I have it all
Turned around
I don’t want to get married to
A person
But I want marriage
So I am not alone.
and who would marry someone so silly anyway

-a.e

Overcoming Anxiety: A Tip From an Imperfectionist

Audra EdmonsonLeave a comment

“Becomes less anxious by not caring so much about your anxious thoughts and feelings (let them be and don’t fight them).”

The above tip is from Stephen Guise‘s book, How to Be an Imperfectionist. I did a full review for the book here.

(Just let me say that if you’ve ever struggled in life by being a perfectionist – not starting something because the conditions weren’t right, being so worried about making mistakes that you won’t talk to that person at the store, not finishing x project because it’s not just….right… – but also secretly thought being a perfectionist was like the perfect weakness…please read it.)

He has a lot of great tips, but one thing he mentioned was how being a perfectionist can lead to or be caused by depression or anxiety. As that’s something I’m really struggling with these days, this tip immediately caught my eye.*

It seems trite. Just don’t care. Huh. Right. Like telling an angry person, “calm down.” Fan the flames, why don’t you?

But it’s good advice. It’s the same advice I get in my meditation practice. I start feeling anxious and then get more anxious because I’m worried about the anxiety. And Guise himself has struggled, so he’s not coming from an outsider’s perspective on this.

Getting caught up in the negative spiral of anxiety or depression is part of why it’s so damned hard to get rid of it.

So let it go. Here’s my thought process; I feel bad. Okay, who cares? Keep working on this project. I feel sick. Okay, don’t care about that. Go lie down and sleep. Crap, I can’t sleep, my mind’s all worked up. Okay, that’s fine, your body could use the lie-down and if you don’t sleep, that’s okay. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Okay, don’t care about that, just try to sleep again tomorrow. I’m having a panic attack. Okay, don’t care about that. You know what those are like. Just let it pass. No, this time I’m really dying, because x is happening. Okay, no you’re not. Don’t worry. You know this drill. It’s your brain. Let it pass. Don’t care about it.

In other words, don’t worry about the fact that you worry. As I said, this is the same advice as I get in meditation. I’m doing the anxiety pack on Headspace, and it says that the point of the exercise is not to get rid of anxiety. That’s impossible. Everyone will feel anxious in some situations. The point is to change our relationship to the anxiety. See it come, note it, let it go. Or, as Guise says, don’t care.

In Practice

The first day I read it, I was having a good day. It was easy to pump my fist and say YES. The first test came the next day.

Since I came back from Korea – maybe jetlag, maybe not – around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I get in a low mood. Not necessarily sad or emotional or angry or depressed, just low. No energy, no desire to do anything. And not really sleepy, but wanting to sleep.

It wasn’t fun. I moped around for a few minutes, reading back over the note I’d made on the tip to not care. I tried a power pose. That helped a bit. Got me in the mindset. Then I decided to ignore the mildly unpleasant feelings (not mild enough to operate normally, but not catastrophic enough to actually merit me stopping what I was doing), and read. I read for about an hour, and when I reached a good stopping point, was sufficiently distracted from my feelings to get back to the art project I was working on.

I think of it like craving displacement. When you’re dieting, one thing that’s hard to overcome is the craving for treats. If you can wait fifteen minutes and distract yourself with something else (like really distract, not do something all the while thinking of the thing), then most of the time the craving fades (I heard about this in Gretchen Rubin’s book Better Than Before – another great book).

Cut to two hours after I first started feeling bad and I was fine again. I had successfully not cared and ignored the bad feelings, continuing to operate through them, and had come out feeling good again.

Now, in comparison, the previous week, I’d felt the same way two days in a row, and had opted for a nap both days. The naps resulted in no sleep, but tossing and turning in frustration over the anxiety, worry over the low mood, and anger that I had to deal with it at all. A vicious cycle.

Overall I think my first trial was pretty successful. It was a small exercise in it, but I hope to make it so habitual I can work through even worse situations.

I haven’t been going many places for fear of having more attacks (thanks, agoraphobia, you SUCK), but when I do, this attitude (not worry about the worry, or the anxiety, or the vague unpleasant feelings) has helped.

Since I first started writing this post, the day I read the tip, I’ve had a few more times to test it. I got through a six hour D&D session just fine. I had some moments where I felt the fatigue setting in – something I would normally worry over – and decided not to care about it and keep being in the room and paying attention.

I had another panic attack (and possibly a second) this past week, and though it’s always painful and irritating, I felt those feelings and let them go, just lying down until they had passed, not worrying about the fact that I was having one. It helped me sleep better afterwards.

I’m calling it a success so far. I still need practice, but I’m going to hang on to this idea for all it’s worth.

What’s your favorite at-home method for dealing with anxiety?

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*This is not medical or psychiatric advice. This tip, meditation, and other forms of self-care do NOT replace medical help or medication. I’m still seeing doctors, on medication, and going to therapy. At-home tips help, but they should never be used as a fail-proof, cure-all method. Every person will have a different reason and different struggle with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, so make sure to see a doctor or psychiatrist!