Category: Mental Health

a poem: a loss and freedom

Audra EdmonsonLeave a comment

I’m terrified of marriage
Strange for a woman to be
In this day and age
Although not really but
The stereotype dies roughly
So here I am
Not quite that stereotype
Not quite that other
Just in between
Really scared
Scared to lose myself
I lose myself a lot
On shabby streets
In between meetings in the hallways
In conversations where I nod a lot and
Smile
Too hard
In between the sheets
I lose myself
So marriage will only
Exacerbate
That. I will lose myself to another
Person
I guess people who love don’t mind
Giving up themselves
Don’t mind losing that bit of their identity
Indeed give it as a gift and receive in return
But I have never seen another person
Being
Man or
Woman
Or tree
Or bird
Or animate kind
Whom I would willingly trade the bit of me for
That bit of me is all I have
That small pocket
Blue and ragged
I can’t give it up.
And who are you to ask it of me?
Not yet, not yet
Cries the not-yet bird
Until you meet the one
The one
Cries the-one bird
I imagine them in cages
But maybe the bars are blocking me in
Maybe I have it all
Turned around
I don’t want to get married to
A person
But I want marriage
So I am not alone.
and who would marry someone so silly anyway

-a.e

Overcoming Anxiety: A Tip From an Imperfectionist

Audra EdmonsonLeave a comment

“Becomes less anxious by not caring so much about your anxious thoughts and feelings (let them be and don’t fight them).”

The above tip is from Stephen Guise‘s book, How to Be an Imperfectionist. I did a full review for the book here.

(Just let me say that if you’ve ever struggled in life by being a perfectionist – not starting something because the conditions weren’t right, being so worried about making mistakes that you won’t talk to that person at the store, not finishing x project because it’s not just….right… – but also secretly thought being a perfectionist was like the perfect weakness…please read it.)

He has a lot of great tips, but one thing he mentioned was how being a perfectionist can lead to or be caused by depression or anxiety. As that’s something I’m really struggling with these days, this tip immediately caught my eye.*

It seems trite. Just don’t care. Huh. Right. Like telling an angry person, “calm down.” Fan the flames, why don’t you?

But it’s good advice. It’s the same advice I get in my meditation practice. I start feeling anxious and then get more anxious because I’m worried about the anxiety. And Guise himself has struggled, so he’s not coming from an outsider’s perspective on this.

Getting caught up in the negative spiral of anxiety or depression is part of why it’s so damned hard to get rid of it.

So let it go. Here’s my thought process; I feel bad. Okay, who cares? Keep working on this project. I feel sick. Okay, don’t care about that. Go lie down and sleep. Crap, I can’t sleep, my mind’s all worked up. Okay, that’s fine, your body could use the lie-down and if you don’t sleep, that’s okay. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Okay, don’t care about that, just try to sleep again tomorrow. I’m having a panic attack. Okay, don’t care about that. You know what those are like. Just let it pass. No, this time I’m really dying, because x is happening. Okay, no you’re not. Don’t worry. You know this drill. It’s your brain. Let it pass. Don’t care about it.

In other words, don’t worry about the fact that you worry. As I said, this is the same advice as I get in meditation. I’m doing the anxiety pack on Headspace, and it says that the point of the exercise is not to get rid of anxiety. That’s impossible. Everyone will feel anxious in some situations. The point is to change our relationship to the anxiety. See it come, note it, let it go. Or, as Guise says, don’t care.

In Practice

The first day I read it, I was having a good day. It was easy to pump my fist and say YES. The first test came the next day.

Since I came back from Korea – maybe jetlag, maybe not – around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I get in a low mood. Not necessarily sad or emotional or angry or depressed, just low. No energy, no desire to do anything. And not really sleepy, but wanting to sleep.

It wasn’t fun. I moped around for a few minutes, reading back over the note I’d made on the tip to not care. I tried a power pose. That helped a bit. Got me in the mindset. Then I decided to ignore the mildly unpleasant feelings (not mild enough to operate normally, but not catastrophic enough to actually merit me stopping what I was doing), and read. I read for about an hour, and when I reached a good stopping point, was sufficiently distracted from my feelings to get back to the art project I was working on.

I think of it like craving displacement. When you’re dieting, one thing that’s hard to overcome is the craving for treats. If you can wait fifteen minutes and distract yourself with something else (like really distract, not do something all the while thinking of the thing), then most of the time the craving fades (I heard about this in Gretchen Rubin’s book Better Than Before – another great book).

Cut to two hours after I first started feeling bad and I was fine again. I had successfully not cared and ignored the bad feelings, continuing to operate through them, and had come out feeling good again.

Now, in comparison, the previous week, I’d felt the same way two days in a row, and had opted for a nap both days. The naps resulted in no sleep, but tossing and turning in frustration over the anxiety, worry over the low mood, and anger that I had to deal with it at all. A vicious cycle.

Overall I think my first trial was pretty successful. It was a small exercise in it, but I hope to make it so habitual I can work through even worse situations.

I haven’t been going many places for fear of having more attacks (thanks, agoraphobia, you SUCK), but when I do, this attitude (not worry about the worry, or the anxiety, or the vague unpleasant feelings) has helped.

Since I first started writing this post, the day I read the tip, I’ve had a few more times to test it. I got through a six hour D&D session just fine. I had some moments where I felt the fatigue setting in – something I would normally worry over – and decided not to care about it and keep being in the room and paying attention.

I had another panic attack (and possibly a second) this past week, and though it’s always painful and irritating, I felt those feelings and let them go, just lying down until they had passed, not worrying about the fact that I was having one. It helped me sleep better afterwards.

I’m calling it a success so far. I still need practice, but I’m going to hang on to this idea for all it’s worth.

What’s your favorite at-home method for dealing with anxiety?

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*This is not medical or psychiatric advice. This tip, meditation, and other forms of self-care do NOT replace medical help or medication. I’m still seeing doctors, on medication, and going to therapy. At-home tips help, but they should never be used as a fail-proof, cure-all method. Every person will have a different reason and different struggle with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, so make sure to see a doctor or psychiatrist!

a poem: buzzed

Audra EdmonsonLeave a comment

(written while in Korea, a few weeks before the anxiety set in)

The buzz of the computer screen is my only comfort when i’m feeling emotional
is it poetry? or prose? or just the ramblings of a lost little white girl alone at her computer, lit up by the dim screen, her eyes slowly degenerating
because she won’t wear her glasses, picking at her face because it is a small punishment for the pizza she ate instead of working out, listening to
classical music because something in her soul is begging for the old days when things made sense and were longer. lasted longer. now our
collective attention span is about three minutes. but tomorrow she will wear black eyeshadow and think about bukowski and spit at the world,
but smile at her students because it’s her damn job and she’s too afraid to be jobless.

-a.e

Meditation: Finding the Serene Blue Sky

Audra EdmonsonLeave a comment

se·rene

səˈrēn/
adjective
  1. calm, peaceful, and untroubled; tranquil.
    “her eyes were closed and she looked very serene”
  2. (in a title) used as a term of respect for members of some European royal families.
    “His Serene Highness”

noun

archaic
  1. an expanse of clear sky or calm sea.
    “not a cloud obscured the deep serene”

One of my Core Desired Feelings this Season is Serene. I want to feel that tranquility, that clear blue sky in my mind and soul with no clouds to obscure the clarity.

Meditation finds that blue sky. Or rather, helps remind me that it’s there. When the day is overcast, or storming, or snowing, or full of birds, it’s hard to remember it’s even there.

Think about the actual sky. You don’t think about it most times. You notice when there’s interesting weather, or you intentionally stop and look, but you don’t live in a state of neck-breaking upturned focus. Nor should you. But it’s always good to remember there’s the blue sky above the storms.

That’s what meditation is like. When I sit in my chair and close my eyes, my mind is a turbid storm, most days. But in breathing, in silence, in just focusing on sensation and letting thoughts come and go, I find that blue sky. I remember it, and it’s there.

One step closer to serenity.

Meditation, for me, is very straightforward. I find I can’t control my thoughts most of the time. They come, I follow, usually to worry. They go, I forget why I entered rooms. When I’m watching TV, it’s like they aren’t there at all. When I’m in the flow of a project, it’s like the blue sky is all around me. So meditation helps me control them. It’s an exercise of the mind. Even willpower, in a way. Focusing on thoughts to change them, to recognize them, to find patterns, is hard at first. It was nearly impossible for me. But with practice, I got much better.

I don’t light candles or sit on a special cushion or listen to music or hold my hands up or do anything like that. I could. But I don’t need to.

I use an app, Headspace, the best meditation app I’ve seen. It’s highly recommended (by Emma Watson – and it has my vote too). It’s very simple, very easy to understand, and very easy to use. They have basic packs to teach how to do it, because sitting in silence is not something we’re used to. They also have special packs for certain situations. I’m currently on the anxiety pack, and it’s been very helpful. But even if I just did the basics pack over and over again, it would be helpful.

Meditation sounds a lot like acupuncture to most people. Weird. New age. Slightly foreign. Not to be trusted. Useless. For hippies.

It’s become slightly more mainstream, to the point where my mother would try it (always the litmus test), but people still hesitate. Admitting it feels weird. I meditate. It hasn’t quite hit the okay-ness of yoga, but I think it’s creeping ahead of acupuncture.

Either way, this isn’t a paid promo for the app or anything. I just happen to really, really like it. I’d tried a few free Youtube meditations and they were okay, but the music was actually more distracting than I’d thought. And with Headspace, you get a lot of explanations for the various techniques. It’s also where I was introduced to the idea of the blue sky kind of mind.

Meditation has helped me. One of my habits this year is to meditate every day. In good weather or bad, learning to control my thoughts is important.

Do you meditate?

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Definition from Dictionary.com

 

I desire…to feel good: Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte

Audra Edmonson4 Comments

I’m going to share with you how I want to feel. All my goals and dreams I make because I’m hoping they will make me feel a certain way. I’m going to share those desired feelings. And I’m going to share why I want to feel that way, and how I can do it. I like action plans. I get all giddy thinking about them.

This isn’t my first Desire Map. But this one I did right before I moved home and in the midst of crippling anxiety; it felt much more needed. It felt like a cool breath on my fevered brain.

If you haven’t checked the book out, do so. Now. Whether you like her style or not, you can’t argue with the technique. We all make goals. We all make resolutions. And we know they mostly don’t stick.

Danielle knew this too, and realized where we were all going wrong. We all make goals to feel a certain way, but most of our goals are results-oriented, not feeling-oriented.

If we can figure out how we want to feel (good = confident, safe, understood, heard, vital, driven, blooming, etc.), we can tailor goals and New Year’s resolutions to aim for that. Instead of “host a dinner party every week,” you turn that into “feel hospitable,” and realize you can get that feeling by taking food to a sick friend or inviting a small group over once a month. That way, you won’t look at your goal and see how you missed it, or see how it isn’t quite right but, hey, you wrote it, so you have to follow it…

Of course, there’s much more to it than that, but hopefully, you get the idea.

This has been life-changing for me – a perpetually happy and failure stricken goal-maker.

My Desired Feelings

Serene – “calm, peaceful, and untroubled; tranquil. an expanse of clear sky or calm sea.”

Why? I chose this word over peaceful, over tranquil, because the idea of serenity runs deeper. Like joy that is deeper and steadier than happiness or bliss, serenity, to me, would be the ocean of my soul having a clear and free depth, no matter what troubles pass over. It does not mean I don’t get angry in the face of problems or don’t get boundlessly excited. It means that I can feel those things without them taking hold, and that no matter where I am in my day, in my feeling, in my energy, I can reach the clear blue sky overhead, the dark soothing depths below, and return whenever I need to. It’s an outlook, more than a feeling, but it’s an outlook I need to reach down to my soul.

How can I feel this way? Since I’m not there, I don’t know. The closest I’ve come to it is in certain moments in meditation or prayer, or certain times when everything in my life has been going right, and just for a moment, I look out the window at the sky and feel it. But I don’t have it in my grasp. It’s a fleeting thing, so I’m not sure if that’s really serenity or just peace.

Creative – “relating to or involving the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work.”

Why? I am always creating, but while I was a teacher, most of my creative energy went to where it was needed in my job; lesson planning, teaching when I had no lesson plan, fixing lesson plans in the middle of them when it wasn’t going the way I’d hoped, solving tiny, huge fights between students, figuring out how to deal with admin issues and coworker issues that crop up from moment to moment, and balancing all that with a life outside of teaching. Teachers don’t get paid enough for all the work we do. It’s utterly and completely exhausting, even on the best days.

I’m home now. I probably won’t be a teacher anymore. Multipod strikes again. Now my creative juices are flowing so much it’s all I can do to think of projects. I want to feel that I have time and energy for these ideas. I want to feel that I am making what I want, when I want, in the way I want. I want to feel that I’m writing all the time, and going somewhere with it.

How can I feel this way? Knitting. Writing. Planning in my bullet journal. Making my office pretty. Organizing my parents’ home. Paper crafting. Playing D&D.

Radiant – “sending out light; shining or glowing brightly. Emanating clearly, powerfully from someone or something; very intense or conspicuous.”

Why? This is one of my long-term feelings/goals. I want to be comfortable in myself. I want to be healed, so I can start helping others. I’ve tried helping others so much before without working on me at all, and that’s what this journey of healing is all about. But after the healing, I hope to share my story so that others can find hope. I want to be a light for hope, for inspiration, for living authentically and holistically. I want to share the Good News, the Best News, of my faith, my beliefs, and share love. I want people to look at me and feel happy. I want them to be around me and think I’m a comfortable person, a good listener, an honest soul. I want to emit that. I believe people do. I’ve met people who do – like an aroma, they exude positivity, or warmth, or joy, or even not so nice things. I want to be one of the good ones.

How can I feel this way? Start with me. Help me. Put on my oxygen mask first before helping others. It isn’t selfish. It’s the most selfless thing I can do in the long run if I want to help people.

Authentic – “of undisputed origin; genuine. (sincere) free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings.”

Why? Part of my stress and anxiety problem has always been living inauthentically. Living the way other people want me to, living the way I think I should. Dressing how my friends do, or how work says I must, or how so and so says is most flattering for my figure. Believing and having a faith that doesn’t offend, that is in line with my family’s, that doesn’t make me stick out, but doesn’t make me doubt (but, oh, it has). Thinking how others think, in books or on TV.

I’m an empath. I know how people feel, and can guess what they’re thinking. About me. And I’m an INFJ/HSP, so I care. Deeply. I would like to go through life making no waves, no one uncomfortable. The flipside is that I’m uncomfortable all the time. So no more. NO MORE, wrote the Doctor, and saved my soul.

I’ve lived wondering and caring what other people think for so long I barely know what I really like anymore. I doubt my choices, even ones I think I’m making in freedom. Do I really like this outfit, or does it just fit the image of what I think I want to be (free, cool, comfortable, hipster, edgy, whatever girl)? Do I really like this pattern, or does it just reinforce the idea people have of me that I like? Are these dumb questions? Like Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching, I have First Thoughts, Second Thoughts (watching those first thoughts), and Third Thoughts (watching the second thoughts think about the first thoughts). It’s terribly confusing. I would like to not feel that way.

I would like, very much, to live in a cabin in the woods for a month with no media, no people, no internet, no books, and get to know me for a while.

How can I feel this way? Maybe do the cabin thing. For a couple days though. I can’t bring enough food for a month. Make decisions without worrying so much. Just make it. If it’s the wrong outfit, buy another one. Make clear boundaries. This is me, mine. That is you, yours. You are not me. Your ideas are valid and great, and they are not mine. That’s okay.

Present – “existing or occurring now. (here) in, at, or to this place or position.”

Why? In high school, in college, I always lived for the future. After Korea, I was really present for a while figuring out how to live and teach. But then once it got old and I started a new dream of being a writer, again with the future living. It’s not comfortable. It creates tension, living in the present and being dissatisfied with it. Many people have this problem. I don’t think I’ve ever really lived in the moment. Not fully. Always one foot forward.

I want to be okay with my everyday. I want to feel that I’m living how I want RIGHT NOW and don’t have to look forward to tomorrow because I’m enjoying today.

I want to eat and taste my food without watching TV. I want to drink a cup of coffee and savor it, staring out the window, not chugging it to get through the morning. I want to do everything mindfully. Now I am journaling. Now I am with this friend. Now I am waiting.

How can I feel this way? Meditation has helped. Focusing on sensations or the breath really keeps the mind from jumping around all the various plans. Also, making the choice to do things mindfully has helped. Making the choice to eat sitting down at the table, instead of wherever.

Nourishment* – “provide with the food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition. (cherish) protect and care for (someone) lovingly.”

Why? I want to feel cared for. By myself first, and by others. I’ve let people walk all over me, including myself. I’ve never invested in honesty about what hurts me or helps me. I’ve never been intentional with friendships or boundaries. I’ve never eaten well for longer than a few days. I’ve never exercised for longer than a few months since college. I’ve never cared about my mental health because I always thought I was fine. I’ve never known what it’s like to be cherished in a dating relationship. I’ve never fought for anyone, or against anyone. I want to be fought for, I want to fight, I want to live out my emotions.

I want to eat good food that comes from the earth, not a lab, and the closer it’s grown the better. I want to grow my own food so I see where it comes from. I want to connect with our earth in that way. I want to raise animals, to see the cycle of life. I want to stay away from toxicity; in media, in work, in politics, in friendships, in thoughts, in feelings, in desires, in absent-mindedness.

How can I feel this way? Eat local, visit farmer’s markets. Have clear boundaries with people. Date better. Accept better. Accept no mistreatment. State clearly what I need. Give others what they need, when I can give it freely.

(A note on this one – I originally had “nourished” on here, but that was too other-driven, meaning it sounded too dependent on others to give it to me. LaPorte makes a point of saying not to pick words or feelings that you can’t give yourself. Not “loved,” but “love” or “loving.” So I picked nourishment. I want to feel that that’s what I’m giving myself and that’s the state I’m in.)

For 2018, in my Season of Healing, these six words encompass how I want to feel. Six is a lot, but I worked through a lot of words and feelings before picking those, and those are what fit me right now. Those are the ones that make me say YES. Desired feelings can and should change. In six months I may have six new words, or just three old ones.

Either way, Desired Feelings give me, and could give you, a better direction to aim for this New Year’s season.

Happy New Season!

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*Definitions in quotes from Dictionary.com